I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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