your thong is hanging out like whoa
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
