my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
