i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
