I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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