She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
