Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
