mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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