i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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