she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
