Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
