rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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