I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
