Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize