all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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