Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
