I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
