dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
