If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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