Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
