$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
