And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
