Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
