The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
