even my farts smell like vagina
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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