I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
