Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
