How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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