i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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