I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
