I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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