Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
