I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
