just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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