Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
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