They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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