Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize