I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
nutella sex= disaster
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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