Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
