Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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