I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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