If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
