Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
