my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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