we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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