last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
