i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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