dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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