I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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