WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
