I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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