your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
