you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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