nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
