i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
