is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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