The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
